Lovingly ripped off from the classic film comedy Monty Python and the Holy Grail, SPAMALOT is the new musical directed by Oscar Winning Mike Nichols, with a book by the third tallest Python, Eric Idle, and an almost but not entirely new score by Eric Idle (no relation) and John du Prez.

Retelling the legend of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, and featuring a number of gratuitously scantily clad showgirls, not to mention the cows, killer rabbits and French people, Monty Python's SPAMALOT has been hailed as:

"A no-holds-barred smash"
The New Yorker

"Pies iesu domine donna eis requiem"
Thelonius Monk

"Triffic!"
Michael Palin (no relation)

"A Grand Slamalot"
New York Post

"King Arthur is rolling over in his grave - and laughing till his armour rattles"
USA Today

"Holy Gales of laughter"
Newsday

In Guinard, Palace, and Difford, plague.
In the kingdoms of Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Kent, plague.
In Mercia, and the two Anglias, plague, with a 50% chance of pestilence
and famine coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.

Legend tells us of an extrodanairy leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom.
A man with a vision, who gathered knights together in a Holy Quest.
This man was Arthur, King of the Britains, for this was England!

ROBIN (down from the tower):
Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

LANCE:
Here's one. (offering an emaciated body - who speaks)

FRED:
I'm not dead!

ROBIN:
Here, he says he's not dead!

LANCE:
Yes, he is.

FRED:
I feel happy. I feel happy.

FRED:
I am not dead yet
I can dance and I can sing
I am not dead yet
I can do the highland fling
I am not dead yet
No need to go to bed
No need to call the doctor
'Cos I'm not yet dead

Steven Kyman as Fred from London production

BODIES ON CART:
He is not yet dead
That's what the geezer said
Oh, he's not yet dead
That man is off his head
He is not yet dead
Put him back in bed
Keep him off the cart because he's not yet dead

(Lancelot whacks him on the head with a shovel)

LANCE:
My name is Lancelot
I'm big and strong and hot
Occasionally I do
Some things that I should not

ROBIN:
I want to be a knight
But I don't like to fight
I'm rather scared I may
Just simply run away

LANCE:
I'll be right with you
Robin through and through and through
So stick with me and I'll show you what to do

ROBIN:
We'll remain good chums
You can teach me how to dance

BOTH:
We're going to enlist

ROBIN:
I'm Robin

LANCE:
And I'm Lance

CHORUS:
Oh we're off to war
Because we're not yet dead
We will all enlist
As the Knights that Arthur led

FRED:
I am coming too
My name will be Sir Fred
I'll be your musician
Cos I'm not yet dead

CHORUS:
Oh we're not dead yet
To Camelot we go
To enlist instead
To try and earn some dough
And so although
We should have stayed in bed
We're going off to war
Because we're not yet dead

LANCE:
To kill
I will
It gives me such a thrill

ROBIN:
To sing
And dance
And keep an eye on Lance

ALL:
We're going off to war
We'll have girlfriends by the score

FRED:
We'll be shot by Michael Moore

ALL:
Because we're not yet dead

ARTHUR (spoken):
Oh, Lady of the Lake, please reveal to this doubting Dennis that you are real.

DENNIS (spoken):
Cor! Blimey!

LAKER GIRLS:
Ahhhhh... etc.

Come with me
Come with me
Come with me
Sweet Galahad

You'll be a man
Join Arthur's clan
Come with me
And I will make you glad

Galahad
Sweet Galahad
Be a knight, It's time to take your vow
If you come with me now
I'll show you how

DENNIS:
Oh wow!

Hannah Waddingham from London production

Now we can go straight
Right down the middle eight
A bridge that is too far for me

I can't believe there's more
It's far too long, I'm sure
That's the trouble with this song
It goes on and on and on
For this is our song that is too long!

We'll be singing this til dawn
You'll wish that you weren't born
Let's stop this damn refrain
Before we go insane
For this is our song that ends like this!

Graham McDuff and Hannah Waddingham from London production

A FAMOUS HISTORIAN as the Knights enter the stage one by one:
And so, King Arthur gathered his Knights together,
bringing from all the corners of the Kingdom the strongest and bravest in
the land to sit at the Round Table.
The strangely flatulent Sir Bedevere,
the dasingly handsome Sir Galahad, the homicidally brave Sir Lancelot,
Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,
who slew the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who
personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill.
And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-show.

SIR NOT:
Sorry.

HISTORIAN:
Together they formed a band whose names
and deeds were to be retold throughout the Centuries...
The Knights of the Round Table.

ALL sing:



All for one
One for all
All for one
And one for all

BEDEVERE:
Some for some

GALAHAD:
None for none

PATSY:
Slightly less for people we don't like

GIRLS:
Camelot
The town that never sleeps
It's Camelot!

ALL KNIGHTS:
We're knights of the round table
We dance when e're we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes
With footwork impecc-able
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam alot

We're knights of the round talbe
Our shows are for-mid-able
But many times, we're given rythmes
That are quite unsing-able
We're opera mad in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot

(dance sequence)

PRINCIPAL KNIGHTS:
We're knights of the table
Although we live a fable
We're not just bums
With royal mums
We've brains that are quite a-ble
We've a busy life in Camelot.

SOLO MAN:
I have to push the pram a lot.

(dance sequence)

ARTHUR:
Ladies and gentlemen - The Lady of the Lake.

LADY OF THE LAKE:
Once in every show
There comes a song like.......this
It starts off soft and low
And ends up with a kiss
Oh, where is the song that goes like this?
Goes like this?
A sentimental song
That cast a magic spell
They will all hum along
And we'll all overact, overact like hell
'Cos this is the song
Yes this is the song
Oh this is the song that goes.......like
(Lady of the Lake - scats)
(Arthur - scats)

LADY OF THE LAKE:
They're Knights of the Round Table

ARTHUR:
They dance when e'er they're able

LADY OF THE LAKE:
They're Knights

ARTHUR:
Not days, but Knights

LADY AND ARTHUR:
Not dawn, not dusk
Not late afternoon
But Knights of the Round Table
Round Table
Round Table
Round Table

ALL:
Round Table
Round Table
Round Table
So try your luck in Camelot
Run amok in Camelot
It doesn't suck in Camelot
(spoken)
WE WON!
(sung)
We're Knights of the Round Table
We dance when e'er we're able
We do routines and gory scenes
That are to hot for cable

We eat ham and jam
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot

Robin: (sung) Spam! Wonderful Spam!

ALL:
(spoken)
SPAMALOT!

[Company]
Find your grail
Find your grail

Minstrels:
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his penis split and his...

Robin: That's... that's... er... enough music for now lads.

ARTHUR:
Have you heard of this "Broadway?"

ROBIN:
Yes sire...and we don't stand a chance there.

ARTHUR:
Why not?

ROBIN:
Because...Broadway is a very special place,
filled with very special people,
people who can sing and dance, often at the same time!
They are a different people, a multi-talented people,
a people...who need people...and who are, in many ways, the
luckiest people in...the world. I'm sorry sire, but we don't stand a chance.

ARTHUR:
But why?

ROBIN:
Well...let me put it like this.

In any great adventure,
that you don't want to lose,
victory depends upon the poeple that you choose.
So, listen, Arthur darling, closely to this news:
We won't succeed on Broadway,
If we don't have any Jews.

You may have the finest sets,
Fill the stage with penthouse pets,
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes.
You my dance and you may sing,
But I'm sorry, Arthur king,
You'll hear no cheers,
Just lots and lots of boos.

ENSEMBLE:
Boo.

ROBIN:
You may have have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore,
You may even have some animals from zoos,
Though you've Poles and Krauts instead,
You may have unleavened bread,
But I tell you, you are dead,
If you don't have any Jews.

They won't care if it's witty,
or everything looks pretty,
They'll simply say it's shitty and refuse.
Nobody will go, sir,
If it's not kosher then no show, sir,
Even Goyim won't be dim enough to choose!
Put on shows that make men stare,
With lots of girls in underwear,
You may even have the finest of reviews.

CRITIC:
You're doing great!

ROBIN:
The audience won't care, sir,
As long as you don't dare, sir,
To open up on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews.

You may have dramatic lighting,
Or lots of horrid fighting,
You may even have some white men sing the blues!
Your knights might be nice boys,
But sadly we're all goys,
And that noise that you call singing you must lose.

So, despite your pretty lights,
and naughty girls in nasty tights,
and the most impressive scenery you use...
You may have dancing man-a-mano,
You may bring on a piano,
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have any Jews!

(plays piano, then dances...)

GIRLS:
You may even have some shiksas making stews!

ROBIN:
You haven't got a clue,
If you don't have a Jew,
All of your investments you are going to lose!

There's a very small percentile,
Who enjoys a dancing gentile,
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news!
But never mind your swordplay,
You just won't succeed on Broadway,
You just won't succeed on Broadway,
If you don't have any Jews!

Papa, can you hear me?

To get along on Broadway,
To sing a song on Broadway,
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose,
I tell you, Arthur king,
There is one essential thing...
There simply must be, simply must be Jews.

There simply must be,
Arthur trust me,
Simply must be Jews.

LADY:
What ever happened to my part?
It was exciting at the start.
Now we're halfway through Act 2
And I've had nothing yet to do.

I've been offstage for far too long
It's ages since I had a song.
This is one unhappy Diva
The producer's have deceived her.
There is nothing I can sing from my heart.
Whatever Happened to My Part?

My love life is a mess
I've got constant PMS
my career is about as hot as ice
They hate me there backstage
They say I'm too old for my age
They're trying to replace me with Posh Spice
With Posh Spice!**

Whatever Happened to My Show?
I was a hit, now I don't know.
I'm with a bunch of British Knights,
Prancing 'round in woolly tights.

I might as well go to the Pub
They've been out searching for a shrub
Out shopping for a Bush
Well they can kiss my Tush
It seems to me they've really lost the plot

Whatever Happened to My
I'll Call my Agent, Dammit
Whatever Happened to My
Not Yours, Not Yours,
By My,
Part!

**changed from the original

King Arthur:
I'm all alone
all by myself
there is no one here beside me
im all alone
quite, all alone
no one to comfort me or guide me
why is there no one here with me
on the long and winding road
to lift my heavy load
if there were someone here with me
how happy i would be
but im alone
quite all alone
all by myself im all alone

I'm all alone
(Patsy: he's all alone)
All by myself
(Patsy: except for me)
I cannot face tomorrow
(Patsy: he cannot face it)
I'm all alone
(Patsy: Though i am here)
So all alone
(Patsy: so very near)
No one to share my sorrow

Arthur:
But i'm alone
(Patsy: oh no you're not!)
So all alone
(Patsy: I'm here you twat!)
All by myself im all alone

Knitghts: he's all alone
Arthur: i'm all alone
Knights: all by himself
Arthur: all by myself
Knights: there is no one here beside him, He's all alone
Arthur: so all alone
Knights: apart from us,
No one to comfort him or guide him

Arthur: each one of us is all alone
so what are we to do
in order to get through
we must be lonely side by side
it's a perfect way to hide

Knights: we're all alone
Arthur: we're all alone
Knights: yes all alone
Arthur: so all alone,
each by ourselves
we're all alone.

LADY:
But you're not alone, Arthur!
Haven't you noticed?
I've been with you all the time!
Who gave you the sword?
Who made you king?
Who helped you find the quest?
Sure, I've been offstage for far too long
But, we had that great lounge number in Act One.
And, oh! We do scat great together!
No, no, I'm no Patsy .stlyrics
But I am here to help you
And I always have been!

ARTHUR:
And you really want me?

LADY:
More than ever!

BOTH:
Twice in every show!
There comes a song like this!
It starts off soft and low
And ends up with a kiss.
Oh, this is the scene
That ends like this.

LADY:
Find the grail, Arthur!
And when you do,
I'll be there
Waiting for you!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Goodbye!

Arthur:
Lady, will you marry me?

Lady:
I thought you'd never ask.

Scene changes to the Vegas Drive-Up Wedding Chapel
and the Girls enter in short Wedding Dresses.

Girls:
We are not yet wed
And we're nearly at the end
It is time that we
Went and found a friend
Is there someone who
Can help us in out quest?
We're already dressed
Although we're not yet wed.

Enter the boys with top hats and tails.

Herbert:
When you’re lost
On life’s trail
And you feel doomed to fail
Do not fail
Find Your Male
Find Your Male
That’s your Grail

Hannah Waddingham as Lady of the Lake

Arthur and Guinevere:
So be strong

Chorus:
Here comes the bride

A&G:
Keep right on.

Chorus:
Here comes the groom

A&G:
To the end of your song

Chorus:
Hallelujah

Guinevere:
Do not fail
Find your Male

Arthur:
Dressed in ‘mail’
Find your Grail

Chorus:
Sing Hallelujah they’ve found their grail.

Arthur:
Life is really up to you
You must choose what to pursue

Chorus:
A Broadway wedding

Tim Curry and Hannah Waddingham in London

Brad Oscar, Rick Holmes, Christopher Sieber and Clay Aiken on Broadway

Guinevere:
Set your mind on what to find
And there’s nothing you can’t do

All:
Go and find your grail

Arthur and Guinevere:
So keep right to the end
You’ll find your goal my friend

Chorus:
Find your friend!

All:
Then the prize you won’t fail
Find your Grail
Find your Grail!

Father:
Stop that. Stop that. Stop it! No more bloody singing…

(Lancelot whacks him on the head)

Chorus:
For this is the Show that ends like this!

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...